Thursday, November 5, 2015

Three Things I'm Learning from Raising a "Different" Child



My oldest daughter was diagnosed as borderline on the Autism Spectrum when she was three years old. Honestly, there are a lot of things about her that don't match up with her diagnosis, but we are sure that she doesn't develop typically. She is well ahead in critical thinking and reading, but delayed in emotional maturity, memory, and motor skills.

Being different has its struggles, and they're more pronounced since we moved to a different school district. Her weaknesses are more obvious to her now than they have ever been. Her strengths are a little more hidden than they have been because she's afraid of being embarrassed. But she's persevered through the hardest spells, and she's starting to find her place.

Being DeLaynie's mom has taught me more about myself and more about people than I've learned through counseling courses, studying, and books.

Here are the three lessons that have made the biggest difference in my life so far:

  1. Life is not a competitive sport.

    I'm a competitive person by nature, which is why there are a lot of things that I opt out of. If I'm not good at it, I just don't do it. I ask you, if it's a competitive game, and I can't compete, where's the fun? The list of things in this category is extensive, and it includes bowling, putt-putt, volleyball, and softball. (I'm not athletic. Can you tell? I do, however, watch football better than any chick I know. Just sayin'.)

    That means that having a daughter who is equally as athletically challenged as her mom and who isn't going to break any developmental charts came with a bit of a learning curve for me.

    DeLaynie, on the other hand, doesn't mind a bit. Apparently, no one told her that she's supposed to compete with everyone around her. No one informed her that this life is a competition and she must win at any cost. Either that, or she simply doesn't buy it.

    Can I tell you the truth? It's a huge blessing that I can't use my daughter as a pawn in my attempts to prove my worth to the people around me. I would certainly be tempted to if I could. Instead, I just get to love my daughters. I don't have to defend their achievements to a braggy mom. I don't have to feel ashamed when they don't behave the way that "normal" children do. I just get to enjoy being their mom.

    There's something else that comes with that gift. I get to enjoy being myself, too.  Although I haven't learned this lesson completely, DeLaynie is teaching me how to take imperfections and failures in stride without pressuring myself to be someone God didn't create. I'll never enjoy bowling or putt-putt, but I'm learning to enjoy being me without those things. De and I will be fine reading next to each other, thank you.
  2. Extroversion and love are not synonymous.

    I've always felt guilty for the fact that I am not what some would call a "people person". In the Christian world, it sure seems like it's a given that loving others means being around other people at every possible opportunity. If you don't enjoy meeting new people or mingling with a group of people you don't know, you must not love them, right?

    DeLaynie, on the other hand, loves alone time. She needs it, actually. Living in a world that plays by different rules is exhausting! It's like living in a foreign country 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year. There's no stateside. It's all foreign. So of course, that means that it is difficult, trying, and unpleasant a large portion of the time. She doesn't enjoy socializing as much as staying at home with her Legos.

    Though not to the same degree, I share her struggles. Our world doesn't seem to play by rules that I can get my head around. In addition to the normal rules of engagement that come from being an American human, I also get to live this life as a woman, which means that I'm expected to have friends that are women. I'm not sure if you realize it, but women just don't make much sense. I have a few wonderful women in my life that I love dearly. They're worth figuring out, but that doesn't mean that I always understand them. I'm not saying that I'm the exception, by the way. Bless my husband's heart. It's a good thing he's so patient!

    But watching DeLaynie, I can tell you that it is very possible for an introvert to be extremely loving. She's the most generous child I've ever encountered. She is the first to volunteer her McDonald's toy if someone else wants it, even if she was very excited about it. When she goes to the store to buy herself something with her own money, she almost always buys something for her sister as well. The other night we were at a fall festival where they were giving fish away as prizes, and DeLaynie almost cried when she didn't win one for her sister. She wanted one as well, but her main concern was winning it for Ella.

    Just because a person is more comfortable alone, that doesn't mean that they are selfish or snobby. Love is about giving yourself for others. It may be a much bigger sacrifice for an introvert to invest in someone than it is for an extrovert, which only makes it a greater act of love.
  3. People who require extra work are worth the effort.

    I've been listening to the audiobook version of NeuroTribes by Steve Silberman. In this book, the author describes the history of autism and the importance of allowing people who are different to use their skills in an environment that doesn't shame them for their differences. It has been a very helpful read.

    It's amazing how many technological, social, and cultural advancements have been produced by people who were rejected by the society that they served. It's also amazing what lengths some people who go to in order to get to know people who were nothing like themselves. One great scientist was unable to hold a face to face conversation, but he was so brilliant that other scientists desperately wanted to get to know him better and understand his take on their work. Some of them realized that if they spoke to each other about the things that they wanted his thoughts on, he would "think out loud" his responses. As long as they never turned to look at him, this conversation could go on for quite a while.

    There are so many times that I watch DeLaynie and think, "If someone is willing to put in the time, they'll have an amazing friend." Ella is a great example. Although having a sister who doesn't fit the mold has its drawbacks, they both benefit immensely from the relationship. Because of DeLaynie's influence, Ella, who was born a perfectionist, has managed to make peace with her imperfections. Because of DeLaynie's influence, Ella is incredibly patient with kids that annoy other people. We hear that same comment every year in parent-teacher conferences.

    Of course, DeLaynie benefits from Ella as well. It requires work for DeLaynie to spend time with her sister, but when she puts in the effort, she learns how to understand the people around her better. She learns how to use her strengths to help those who don't think the same way. She is constantly growing in patience and communication, thanks to her little sister.

    For this introvert, that's an important lesson. I can be tempted to say, "It's just not worth the effort." Then I look at De and realize that what I'm really saying is "That person just isn't worth the effort." I don't want anyone to say that about her, so I don't want to say it about someone else.

There's some extra work involved in parenting a child that doesn't quite fit in, but there are a whole lot of benefits, too. I'll keep the kids God gave me because, as it turns out, He knew exactly who I needed.

2 comments:

  1. This is written well and it's so wonderful to read. Just love that God has given you a content heart with who He placed in your life. Philippians 4:11.

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  2. What a Great post! I love seeing the transparency in this message... De and Ella are very special little girls and loved very much.

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