Gentlemen, This is Your Cue

This is a post that I almost wrote during the Brock Turner scandal, but I decided that it could get too messy. Then came the Trump Tapes, and Lord help me, I just can't stay quiet about this anymore.

This isn't a political post. I'm not going to talk about who you should vote for and who you shouldn't. This is a conversation (one sided, though it may be) with my Christian brothers from a sincere heart that simply desires to see healthy change.

Because here's the thing: I think way more of you than Trump does. 

He has said that it is normal and natural for you to brag about objectifying women and abusing them as sex toys instead of respecting them as co-heirs of grace. He has said that you simply can't help discussing the ways that you mistreat women whenever you get together without female supervision. He's said that his bragging is "just words," and that they're totally normal words for your portion of the population.

Gentlemen, this is your cue to be outraged.

You should be deeply offended by Trump's excuses because he's throwing you under the bus in order to promote his own agenda. You should be angry that your role as protectors has been so horribly mis-used by one of your own who claims to follow the God who gave men strength and social status so that they could protect the vulnerable ones given to their care. You should be hurt that Trump's arguments have been accepted and defended as truth.

Gentlemen, this is your cue to speak up.

But so many of you aren't offended. So many of you are justifying Trump's criminal sin in hopes of "winning" an election that is truly a no-win situation. So many of you, my precious Christian brothers, are staying quiet while your sisters fight the battle for you.

I believe in you, fellas. I don't believe that men who have placed their faith in Jesus Christ and live under His leadership really believe that there is anything normal or natural about Trump's comments. I don't believe that you really think it's okay or that someone else's sin justifies Trump's actions. I believe that you recognize that your strength was given to you by God so you can protect those who are weak. I believe that you know that women are your equals in Christ, and they should be afforded the same respect and love that you expect. I believe in you. I really do.

I just don't think you've quite understood what Trump was saying about you, and I don't think that you understand that some women have to come to think so little of you that they're buying Trump's excuses.

I know that many people will vote for Trump in order to protect the Supreme Court seat that is up for grabs and those that may open in the next four years. I can understand that logic, and I respect your decision, even if I do disagree with it personally.

But even if you plan to cast your vote for Trump, don't think that means that you're obligated to defend his sinful, vile, and criminal behavior or make excuses for it. Your first allegiance is to Christ, and He demands that we recognize evil for what it is.

Gentlemen, this is your cue to use your strength, your voice, and your life for the purposes God has given you. This is your cue to show those of us who still believe in you what manhood really looks like.

Part 2 of Our Adoption Story: Gotcha Day!

It's been three weeks since we walked out of the government building where we met our son for the first time. It seems like a long time ago and just yesterday at the same time. I already find it inconceivable that there was ever a time when Li wasn't a part of our family, but we've barely begun our journey with Li.

On Gotcha Day, we talked about how different our afternoon would be from our morning. We tried to find ways to burn time until the afternoon. We ate Subway for lunch. (Yes, China has Subway! And it's totally a normal Subway, except they tend to skip a bit on the meat.) Then we met our wonderful guide and got in the van to make our way to the government where our lives would change forever.

As we walked in, I saw Li peeking toward the door of the playroom. It was my first glance of him in real life, and that was the moment that it sank in. We were really, truly going to walk out of that building with our son! And he was really stinkin' cute!

Then we sat there for what seemed like an eternity. The director of his orphanage had to arrive at the government building in addition to Li and his caregivers from his foster home. He was there on time, but we were there early, so we had to wait a few minutes (felt like a few years).

Then we were called to the door of the playroom to officially meet our son. He's just as graceful as his parents (as in us, not his birth family).

Edwin and I were both shocked at how tiny he was. He seemed much bigger in the pictures and on Skype, but in real life he looked like a baby. The fact that he fell meant that I could comfort him, which was a definite up side. There were so many boo-boos that I wasn't around to kiss. It was good to finally be there for one of them.

Then we took him back to the ginormous sectional couch that wrapped around the entire room and gave him the little gifts that we bought. He loved the cars instantly, and he cheered up very quickly. There were other kids who were extremely sad to leave their caregivers, and understandably so, but Li was pretty chill about the whole thing. (We later saw just how sad he was when we made a trip to the orphanage. More about that later.)

I couldn't help repeating over and over, "I get to keep you forever!?"

I needed to speak to his caregivers about his daily routine and eating habits, but I hated leaving him. Okay, I was only two feet away, but it took me so long to get to him! I probably should have asked more questions, but I was completely distracted. We took a picture with his orphanage director and caregivers before leaving.

These people (as well as other nannies who didn't make the trip) were Li's family when we weren't there, and I'm eternally grateful to them. They did an amazing job getting him ready for his forever family and transferring Li's trust from them to us.

Then we rode back to the hotel where Edwin would do some paperwork and I would play with Li in the hotel's playroom. I was just beginning to get to know this kid, but I was already in love.

Then we went back to our room to begin really taking in everything that it means to be Li's parents. We quickly learned that he is an entertainer and a flirt.

But more than anything, he's our's! He is completely, totally, absolutely our son! And we couldn't be happier to finally have him home where he belongs.

When the Story God Writes Isn't a Bestseller

I remember my reaction when I first read an article by Ed Welch called "Ordinary is the New Cool". I must admit that I was put-off by it, which was my first clue that it was hitting a little too close to home. I didn't like Dr. Welch's proposition that I should be content with a "normal life". I didn't like it, but I also knew that there was a whole lot of truth in it. It's true that we have bought into a belief that we are supposed to be important and extraordinary, and it's true that we define these concepts very differently than Scripture does. In fact, that idea is far from biblical. It's more educated by our culture than the Bible, but it rings true with our sinful desires for fame and power, so we figure out ways to make it sound spiritual. ("God, give me a platform for your glory!")

As I was working on We Win!, I read a book called The Insanity of God. In it, the author describes the difficulties faced by Christians in areas of persecution and their incredible faith in the midst of suffering. All of them remained nameless out of concern for their safety. Even the author uses a pen name to protect his ministry and the subjects of the stories he tells.

As I've turned these thoughts over and over in my head, and as I've put them together with other lessons learned in the last year, I've come to realize that my fear isn't that God isn't writing a great story through my life. My fear is that the story He's writing won't be popular.

I don't doubt whether God will use my writing in the lives of readers. I doubt if He will ever give me a "viral" blog.

I don't doubt God's faithfulness to us in ministry. I doubt how large that ministry will be.

I don't doubt God's provision for our needs. I doubt if He will provide for my wants (even the really spiritual sounding ones).

I don't doubt if I am being faithful to make Him known. I doubt if He will be "faithful" to make me known.

But God never promised to make my life extraordinary in terms of reach and influence. He promised to make me able to stand (Romans 14:4). He didn't promise to give me a following or the opportunity to be a part of a large ministry. In fact, He assured me that the most popular teachings will not be biblical at all (2 Timothy 4:3). But He has reminded me that the reward for faithfulness is a crown of righteousness that He is ready to award to all who have loved His appearing (2 Timothy 4:8).

God has reminded me that the most extraordinary lives are often anonymous. They are lives defined by faith and a longing for the eternal reign of Christ. He has given me a godly jealousy for those persecuted believers who have held to the Truth in the midst of unthinkable suffering.

God rarely writes great stories through lives whose deepest desire is a great story. He writes great stories through lives who deepest desire is to make His greatness known. In fact, we rarely realize when God is writing His greatest stories. They usually appear normal, even painful, at the time that they are written. It takes a Kingdom perspective to recognize them for what they are.

Are your prayers defined by a longing for a life of greatness or a life of faithfulness? Do you see a life of faith as the goal or a means to receiving God's blessing? Are you comfortable with being unknown if He is made known through you?

He is continuing to alter my definition of a "great life". With each passing day, greatness is defined less and less by being known and more and more by making Him known. And that's pretty great, actually.

This Quiet Joy

I've always thought of joy as this loud, exuberant, in-your-face kind of emotion. I'm not really sure where I got this picture. Maybe it was from the "I will become even more undignified than this" phase of my Christian growth (aka middle school).

But over the last year, that picture has faded and a new one has taken its place. Completely by God's grace, I'm experiencing a new kind of joy that I didn't anticipate or think to ask for. I've found myself quietly enjoying moments that used to be stressful or empty. I've been delightfully surprised by this quiet joy in the midst of a very difficult year of multiple transitions.

The latest of these transitions has brought me to China. On Monday, July 11th, we welcomed our beautiful, precious son Li into the family.

The 16 month process was long and sometimes tedious, but it was absolutely joyous as well. Now, please know that I am not known for my patience. It's been a major area of development for me. But adopting Li was a time of joy and peace, not impatience or frustration. (Glory to God alone!)

I wish that I could give you a concrete reason why this was true, but I can't. The only thing that I know to tell you is that I have learned to trust Christ more completely than ever before. He has graciously taken my worries and desire to control and turned them into sweet trust. That trust has produced a deeper experience of joy than I have ever known.

It isn't loud joy. It isn't dancing joy. It is quiet joy.

• A joy in trusting that God's timing is perfect.
• A joy in trusting that I wouldn't miss a single moment with my son that God wanted me to enjoy with him.
• A joy in trusting that God saw every detail and went before us into every step of the process.
• A joy in trusting that God loves my son even more than I do, and His choices would produce good for me and my son if I would trust Him to do His job.

Even now, as we're in a culture that we do not know, that quiet joy covers every step.

• A joy that trusts the itinerary developed by our agency, even when we're not comfortable with it.
• A joy that trusts that God will protect us in a country that doesn't appreciate our value system or faith.
• A joy that trusts our guide as an authority provided to us by God for our benefit (and she has been wonderful!).
• A joy that trusts that we will be here as long as it is best, and that we can benefit from every moment we spend here.
• A joy that trusts that there is more adventure than inconvenience in our time in a foreign land with foreign food. (Honestly, though, I love authentic Chinese food! It's the ordering that's a challenge.)
• A joy that trusts that God knows every step of Li's future, and every difficulty and challenge can be used to draw him into deeper relationship with the Giver of Joy who is worthy of all of our trust and all of our lives.

Our little guy only knows very little English, and he has a few health concerns (including a current cold that has caused a lower respiratory infection), but I'm not worried. There isn't room for worry. There's only room for joy because the same God who brought my son into his forever family is the same God who walks with us each and every day. The same God who orchestrated for Li's care as a sick newborn is the same God who will orchestrate his life as a child, a young man, and (by God's infinite grace!) as a man of God who will take the truth of our King into a world that is desperate for the joy of the Lord.

Dear Christian, Stop Hating the Church

I've seen more and more posts with titles like "What's Wrong With the American Church?" and "How the Denomination Needs to Change". I understand that many of these articles are motivated by a desire to help the Church make needed improvements, but too often the tone is not one of concern or love. Too often the tone reads more like rebellion, anger, and arrogance ("Thank God I'm here to fix you!").

Do you know what I haven't seen? I haven't seen nearly as many articles with titles like, "Why I am Grateful for Christ's Body" and "How God is Using the American Church".

So, either the American Church is becoming a monstrosity with absolutely no signs of God's grace at work within her (which not only marks our disobedience but a lack of God working, which is pretty insulting to Him, if you ask me), or we're choosing to focus on the negative more than the positive. We're choosing to see what we believe to be the disobedience of man with more clarity than we see the overwhelming grace of God.

And allow me to note that what a lot of these articles describe as "failures" are actually preferences. One such article described the need for churches to modernize worship, but that usually leads to a generational church (a church made up of a majority of a single age group), which usually dies with that generation and fails to raise up the next effectively (much like Joshua's generation, see Judges 2:8-10). I personally believe that the ideal worship scenario allows everyone the opportunity to worship in his or her own heart language and gives every believer in the room the opportunity to sacrifice his or her preferences so others in the room can worship in their heart language.

But that's my preference, not a command from God. It's not wrong to have a modern worship service. It's not wrong to have a traditional worship service. And it's not wrong to have a balanced worship service. In fact, in order for the American Church to reach all generations, I think we need churches that primarily focus on each of these categories.

We have forgotten how to make sacrifices for the good of Christ's Body, so when we are forced to make sacrifices in order to maintain relationship, we think it's a bad thing. This is why we're seeing more and more independent churches. In order to be a part of a denomination, churches will have to make some sacrifices in order to maintain the relationship, such as giving financially to the denomination or abiding by a covenant. I'm not insinuating that there is anything wrong with being independent from a denomination, but we are seeing a trend toward separatism that seems to strongly correlate to our desire to not be bothered by the demands of relationship and sacrifice, two major themes of the Gospel.

(Personally, I love being Southern Baptist. I see many flaws and weaknesses in our denomination, but I also see how God is growing us through those weaknesses and flaws. I have seen how God has used our working together to further His Kingdom, and I wouldn't trade that for all the freedom sacrificed for this community. I'm not an all-SBC-all-Lifeway-all-the-time kind of person, but I'm grateful to be a small part of this big organization that is genuinely motivated by a desire to please and serve God, though we do it imperfectly.)

We have forgotten that we're talking about the Bride of Christ. Ephesians 5:22-33 makes it very clear that the marriage relationship is a metaphor for Christ's relationship to His Church. But I don't think any husband would put up with the kind of insults being hurled at Christ's Bride. She isn't perfect. She still has a lot of growing to do. She needs to be washed by the water of the Word for a little while longer. But She is still His!

If an imperfect husband wouldn't allow such things to be said about his imperfect wife, how do you think our Perfect Groom feels about the way we speak of His Bride? Are we showing Her the kind of grace that He has shown Her? Are we reflecting the kind of love that Christ said would reveal us for who are (John 13:35)?

What's the solution?

Each of us must focus more on the changes that Christ needs to work out within us more than the changes we want to see in others. I think the thing that concerns me the most about these articles is the attitude that so many of them seem to have. There's an arrogance, and it's deeply concerning. How can anyone be so concerned about his or her own church (and we're all a part of the American Church, if we're American and saved), and not be moved to mourning rather than attack? As I've debated this post, and I have been debating it for months, I've had to test my own patience for the brothers and sisters speak so negatively about Christ's Body. That's an area that needs to grow and develop within me, and that's going to take the Holy Spirit.

Each of us must focus on seeing God's grace at work with greater clarity than we see man's failures. If God is at work, and He most certainly is, then there is something glorious to thank Him for today. There are some wonderful things going on in the American Church. I'm seeing increasing concern for deep, biblical theology. I'm seeing greater missional passion. I'm seeing that we are developing better plans for social justice and human dignity, all wonderful things! No, we're not perfect, but our Shepherd is focused on taking His sheep from where they were to where they are going, and He's more focused on progress than perfection. We can all rejoice in that!

Each of us must choose to submit to the authority God has placed over us and love those He has placed around us. I'm not saying that you should never leave a certain church, but as long as you're in a certain church, it's your responsibility to love it and submit to its leadership. This is also true denominationally. If you hate your denomination, either love it or leave it (and still speak lovingly after leaving it). I'm not saying that we shouldn't speak with other members of our churches or denomination to motivate change. Of course we must have conversations about matters that need change! But rarely does that need to take the open forum of a blog. Blogs (and I'm speaking as someone who is writing a blog right this moment) usually motivate whining more than change. We tend to gravitate toward blogs that affirm the beliefs that we already hold instead of blogs that challenge us to correct our errors.

But whatever situation you are currently in has been designed by God to conform you into the image of His Son. Jesus Christ submit Himself to authority, even when that authority wrongly put Him to death. Jesus Christ loved those who disagreed with Him and went after those who were wrong in order to show them grace. For each of us, the question is how we can emulate Him in whatever situation He has put us.

Each of us must make a point to speak out of Biblical wisdom as God describes it. Too often, we speak of ecclesiastical and theological matters as we would speak of earthly issues, and all too often, the results are very earthly. Many of the posts I read inflate the author and deflate the Church, but how would the world and Church be different if we applied James 3:13-18?

 Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth.  This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic.  For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.  But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.  And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

To China and Back

We are drawing closer and closer to July. If the timeline remains constant, that's the month that we will bring our little boy home from China.

We had hoped that our house would sell before now and provide the funds that we need to pay for our travel expenses, but that hasn't worked out quite yet. There is a woman renting the house who wants to buy it, but we're not confident that the sale will go through in time to cover the travel costs, which are substantial. At this point, we need about $10,000 to fully fund our adoption.

As I've started running over the last couple of months, I've learned about something called a virtual 5k. In these races, participants register, pay the dues, and then send in their times digitally to qualify for medals that go to the winners.

Without further adieu, here's our big announcement:

To China and Back 5k
Run to bring Li home!

For $30, you get this terrific T-shirt, and you'll be able to send in your time to compete for one of three medals for the top males and three medals for the top females.

We are strongly encouraging everyone interested to find nine extra friends to run with them. If you can get a group of ten together, we'll cover the shipping and throw in three medals for your top three runners.

A few questions that you may have:

• Do I have to run? Can I walk?
  You can walk, crawl, stroll, or roll. Honestly, it doesn't matter to us. If you love the thrill of competition, run your fastest and see if you can beat everyone else. We'll post the names of the fastest runners in kids, teens, twenties, thirties, forties, fifties, and sixties up on this website as well as reward the top three of each gender with medals that you can display however you want. But if competition isn't your game, that's cool too.
• Where can I do this thing?
  Anywhere, even on a treadmill. A 5k is 3.1 miles, and the Map My Run app will help you find the perfect route. If you're organizing a group of more than 10 people, we'll happily help you find the ideal course for your race.
• Is there a certain time or day that I have to complete the run?
  Not really. You can complete the run any day in June. If you run regularly, you can choose your best 3.1 mile run time for the month and submit it as your time. 
• What if I want to help but can't afford the $30?
  There is a button on our web store for donations. We appreciate any help that you can give! We just think it's a little more fun if you can say that you "did something" instead of just giving money. 

If you have any other questions, please feel free to email me at hdattaway@gmail.com.

If you're interested, you can register right now here. 
If you would like to organize a group, you can download and print this flyer.

Shame Free Parenting

Over the last couple of years, I have been slowly unwrapping a gift from God that has made a tremendous difference in my life. I hope that you don't mind if I re-gift it to you, but I think it may make a big difference in your life, too.

It's taken me some time to figure out how it works and how to put it to use, but since getting the hang of parenting without shame, I've found that I'm not just happier, I'm much more loving to my kids and others.

What is parenting shame? 

It's the belief that our children's ignorance, failures, sins, or faux pas make us less valuable, less worthy, and generally just less than other parents. It creeps in when a child asks an impolite question in public, when a child misbehaves in front of other moms or dads, when a child struggles to get the kind of grades we hope for, and when they fail to hit certain milestones. 

"Isn't that just a normal part of parenting, though?" 

I used to think so, but then God started to show me that my shame was really rooted in a belief that my kids exist to make me look good. Shameful parenting is actually selfish parenting. It's me focused, not others focused. It comes from a prideful desire to be seen as a great parent instead of a loving desire to be a great parent to the children that God gave me, with all of their faults and struggles. Shameful parenting believes that we are supposed to control our children instead of raise them. Simply put, shameful parenting isn't biblical parenting.

I didn't see how big of a difference this shift was making until one of my precious children, who shall remain nameless, made a super-rude comment in public. "I couldn't tell if she is pregnant or fat." (Awesome! Thanks, kid!) 

Because I felt no shame in that moment, I could simply address the statement and the belief behind it. Because I didn't interpret my daughter's embarrassing statement as my failure, I could remind my daughter that her body is made to be more than eye-candy. I told her, "Her body is doing an amazing thing. She is being used by God to build a whole new person!" I didn't just get to address my child's incorrect belief. I also got to speak to the pregnant woman, who may just feel like she's fat instead of awesome. (Side note: If you can't have children biologically, don't think for a second that your body is any less awesome! God is using you and your body to do amazing things!)

But I could have missed that moment. I've missed more opportunities than I care to count because I was so overwhelmed by what I perceived as failure that I didn't recognize the chance God was giving me to be the mom He has called me to be. I was so focused on what my children's behavior said about me that I didn't notice what it was saying about them. I didn't see their need because I was so focused on my desire to look like a "good mom". 

So what changed? I came to understand that Jesus Christ has justified me completely. I no longer have anything to prove to anyone. His death and resurrection release me from appearance maintenance and enable me to truly live my life for His pleasure instead of for His approval. That one truth has totally, utterly revolutionized the way I do everything, including the way I parent. I still have a lot more to learn and understand, but I'm grateful for this sweet gift from a perfect Father who so dearly loves His imperfect daughter.

For more on shame and how Christ responds to it, you can check out my book, We Win, available on Amazon.